We Do Not Repair Relationships Outside of Self

I think one of the hardest lessons in life is realizing we do not repair relationships outside of ourselves.

We spend so much time thinking, “If they would just change,” “If they would just understand,” “If they would just apologize,” then everything would be better. But the truth is, the only part of any relationship we actually control is the person looking back at us in the mirror.

That doesn’t mean every problem is our fault. It doesn’t mean every broken relationship is ours to fix. It means healing usually starts by asking the harder questions.

Did I communicate clearly?
Did I listen, or was I just waiting to defend myself?
Did I react from hurt instead of understanding?
Did I expect someone else to carry something that was mine to work through?

Sometimes the repair is an apology. Sometimes the repair is a boundary. Sometimes the repair is accepting that two people can see the exact same situation completely differently.

The goal isn’t always to save every relationship. Some relationships are lessons. Some people are only meant to walk with us for a season.

But peace usually comes when we stop trying to control everyone else’s thoughts, actions, and opinions and start working on our own.

Because at the end of the day, the only person we can truly change is ourselves.

Blessed Instead of Bitter

Blessed Instead of Bitter

I’ve always been a thankful person. Maybe that’s why I see things a little differently than some people do.

I’m an optimist by nature. I believe hard work matters. I believe effort usually pays off. And when life throws obstacles in my path, I don’t spend much time focusing on what I can’t do. I focus on what needs to be done to get where I want to go.

When my dad passed away, of course I was sad. Losing someone you love is never easy. But more than anything, I felt grateful.

I was the lucky one.

I got to have him as my dad for 47 years. I got his advice, his example, his love, and all the memories that came with it. A lot of people never get that. Some people never know their father at all. So while I missed him terribly, I couldn’t ignore how blessed I was to have had him in my life for so long.

That’s where I choose to keep my focus.

I’ve noticed that life gets a lot easier when you spend less time dwelling on what’s missing and more time appreciating what’s there. Instead of focusing on the closed door, I look for another way through. Instead of concentrating on the problem, I start looking for the solution.

That doesn’t mean life is always easy. It doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen. It just means I refuse to let difficulties become my entire outlook.

Gratitude doesn’t erase hardship, but it changes how you carry it.

And if I have a choice between being bitter about what I lost or thankful for what I had, I’ll choose thankful every time.

Wait... It's Tuesday?

 I never know what day it is anymore.

The other day, I was happily working away in my home office when my son called to tell me his interview had gone well. My first thought was, Why in the world is he having an interview on a Saturday?

"Dude," he said. "It's Tuesday."

Apparently, I have completely lost my grip on the calendar.

I've missed appointments because I thought they were next week... only to realize they were yesterday. Where is my time going? I need to get my life together and start working toward the weekend again!

Then again, maybe not.

On Sunday night, I was busy trying to finish a project when this wonderful feeling washed over me. I didn't have to rush because I didn't have anywhere to be on Monday morning. After decades of schedules, deadlines, and responsibilities, that realization was surprisingly peaceful.

Still, I spent some time this morning filling out job applications. Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing at this stage of life? I'm still figuring that part out.

Maybe that's what retirement really is—not having every hour planned, not living for Friday, and not dreading Monday. It's learning to build a life that's meaningful without a clock telling you what comes next.

I may not always know what day it is, but maybe that's because, for the first time in my life, the days all belong to me.

I might have some Spectrum issues

There are just some things I will not do unless I’m presentable.

That doesn’t always mean full makeup, curled hair, and dressed to the nines. There are levels to this. I can go to Walmart or the grocery store in comfy clothes if they match and aren’t stained. My hair can be in a ponytail or pulled back in a cute way. But I still need at least a little makeup on. I do not leave my house completely natural. Ever.

Today, my husband wanted me to run to the bank to take care of some business. I told him I wasn’t planning on getting dressed today, which in my language means I wasn’t planning on doing my makeup or fixing my hair. I was planning on a comfy, low-maintenance day. He immediately said, “Fine, I’ll go,” because he knows I have to sit down and get ready to go to the bank.

I’m the same way about going to the doctor, having lunch with friends, or doing anything where I’m presenting myself to people in a professional setting. I need to feel put together. It’s not because I think anyone else cares. It’s because I care.

I don’t know why I’m this way. I don’t know when it started. Maybe it’s a Gen X thing. Maybe it’s because my mom raised me that way. Maybe it’s because I spent over 30 years as a professional, where I always had to be put together and represent myself and my business well. Or maybe it’s just my personality.

I’m not judging the girl in leggings, a messy bun, and an oversized T-shirt at Walmart. More power to her. I actually envy her a little. She’s free. I, on the other hand, have a whole process.

I don’t know if it’s good, bad, old-fashioned, or just plain weird. I just know it’s who I am. There are some places I can go looking comfy, and there are some places I simply won’t go unless I feel presentable.

And after all these years, I don’t think I’m changing.

Time to DEFUNK My Life

Today reminded me exactly why I retired.

People can be exhausting. Somewhere along the way, someone left the bag of idiots open. This next chapter is suppose to be about me.

I’m going to focus on my health—physically and mentally. I’m going to take better care of myself. I’m going to slow down, breathe a little, and rediscover who I am outside of work.

Right now, I still need to DEFUNK myself.

D.E.F.U.N.K.
Drop Expectations. Find Unexpected New Joy. Keep Growing.

Today was challenging for me.  One thing I’ve learned is that when something happens, there’s usually a reason. You may not know the circumstances. You may not have all the facts. But things rarely “just happen.”

There’s a reason the saying “Don’t shoot the messenger” has been around for generations. More people should practice it.

Here’s another thing I’ve learned: your attitude follows you everywhere. The future is wide open, but your opportunities can become a whole lot smaller when your attitude sucks. People remember how you treated them. Bridges are easy to burn and much harder to rebuild.

As for me, I’m choosing peace. I’m choosing my health. I’m choosing joy. I’m going to spend this season dropping expectations, finding unexpected joy, and continuing to grow.

This version of me also isn’t going to worry about ruffling your feathers. I’m done kissing ass just to keep everyone else comfortable. I’ve earned the right to speak my mind, set my boundaries, and protect my peace. If the truth ruffles your feathers, that’s a you problem.

Retirement didn’t make me quieter. It made me freer. I no longer owe anyone an explanation for living my life the way I choose. I’ll celebrate with the people who celebrate me, walk away from the drama, and invest my time in what fills my cup instead of drains it.

And if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s this: I will always stand up for the people I love.

So welcome to this new version of me. She’s healthier. She’s happier. She’s still growing. She has less tolerance for bullshit, more appreciation for peace, and absolutely no interest in pretending to be someone she’s not.