A Win Day

So here I am, on my back porch on a Saturday afternoon.  I'ts a sunny and a comfortable 86 degrees.   I love sitting on the patio and getting some vitamin D while watching Netflix or reading a book... today writing the blog.  I hear the wind and see the big fluffy clouds and for some reason, it reminds me of a day I had as a little girl.  Sometimes smells of a breeze takes me back to a different time.  I like it when that happens.  It reaffirms what a great childhood I had. All my life I can remember looking up into the vast sky. 

Walking home from elementary school I would look up at the trees against the sky and wonder what my life would be like in the future.  Wondering if I would have a future.  I remember doing that on my back patio in Guymon when I was in my 30/40's while I listened to my son and neighborhood kids playing basketball in the park behind our house.  I seem to create an outdoor living space  at my homes because somehow it always calls to me to look at the sky.  So on days like these, when the sky is blue and the clouds are white and full,  I can sit and enjoy not only the present but reminisce about the past. It's a win day!

I need SLEEP! Not creativity in the wee hours

I am not sleeping.  I mean I probably would if I just shut my eyes, but my brain wont' shut up!    This is my 2nd night this week I am wide awake at 3 in the morning. 

There is nothing to do at 3 a.m  First off,  I can't start anything cause it's 3 A.M.  And I can't be loud.  I can't do anything without being loud.. just ask Dennis. 

Now, at 3, 4 or even 7 p.m. I am so tired I can't stand myself.  But something about night wakes me up! 

I hear that creativity comes to the night owls.  But as you can clearly see by reading my blog that is not always the case. 

I'm just glad I don't have an early schedule because sometimes the only sleep I get is the early mornings.

What are you guilty of?

You KNOW you are doing something you shouldn't be doing if you have to instill a GAG ORDER on an ex employee.  *insert eye roll here*.  I am amazed by people every day.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Feeling Some Sort Of Way

I have tried to write this blog for a few days now.  Sometimes... you just can’t put your feelings into words no matter how you try.  I am trying to be very careful not to mix actual events with actual feelings.  The event that brought about these feelings is not important, but rather the way it made me feel is.  Truth is, this isn't the first time someone has made me feel this way and sadly it probably won't be the last.  People are not perfect.

I am not perfect.

I am sad to realize some people live double lives.  That no matter what you think you know about someone... you don't always know.  It's not like the quiet at home persona most of us are... or the at home personality you have that only your spouse or your kids see... it's a completely different life... like 'you have a whole other family in Wisconsin' life!   It is a secret that you live with and hide from people, so they don't know the real you, or the things you do when no one is watching you..... The things you hide in the very back drawer so no one knows you have them.

Me?  I am an open book.  I am blunt, even tacky.  My best friend says I have no filter.  She is right.  I don't menace words.  Of course there are things I don't like about  this personality trait of mine:  I don't have empathy for idiots or people that make the same choices and expect different results. 

But that does not make me heartless.

It makes me a realist! 

I don't do fake, and let me tell you... I recognize fake when I see it.  I do not use people, although I do believe that you can outgrow and move in a different direction from some people.  And I believe you have people passing through your life all the time... but that does not mean they are meant to stay in your life.

But the person that lives a double life is who I feel sorry for.  I would imagine it would be hard and exhausting to keep up that charade.  That is just wasting Energy that could be used to better yourself.  And the frustration that is left in the wake of these people is unfathomable. 

And sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses.

So, I can't be focusing my energy on this anymore.  I am too busy and I have so many great things going on in my life. I have to cut ties and move forward and not feel an ounce of regret for the people that come in and out of my life.  Because somehow they have taught me something I needed to know. 

Words that last...

You even have a moment where you know THAT moment is going to live on for ever?  That you will be able to recall exactly what you were talking about and where you were sitting and doing while you had a conversation?  The conversation itself was insignificant.  But the one line used will be a catch phrase I will use for a long time. 

We have several from my childhood. 

"Anyone want to go to the library?"  When My dad would decide to take a bath.....
"The bus is too big."  When the neighborhood boys wanted the girls to leave them along.
"Don't drop it in the beans"  When I wanted to see the picture everyone at the dinner table was looking at.  I was 6 or 7....

More recently, "Why you gotta be a bitch?"  Me cussing at Katie's desk when we were putting together in her new office at midnight.

Today I was talking on the phone to a friend of mine and laughed so hard I literally spit my drink all over my desk when she said. "I don't even have my teeth yet!" I can't even remember what we were talking about, totally insignificant.....