I Came For Toilet Paper

I really don’t think I am that hard to get along with. I smile at people. I hold doors open. I donate to causes I care about. I’ll even listen to a kid tell me all about a video game I don’t understand for twenty minutes straight. What I do not enjoy is running the gauntlet every time I go to Walmart.

I came for toilet paper and dog food. That’s it. I did not come to switch my internet provider, buy discount windows, donate to three different fundraisers, enter a raffle, sponsor a softball team, or discuss my cell phone plan with a complete stranger standing between me and a shopping cart.

The minute you get out of your car, they’re waiting. Sure, you can deploy the classic avoidance tactics. Believe me, I've tried them all—scrolling pointlessly through a blank phone screen, or frantically digging around in my purse like I've suddenly misplaced my life savings. You can even pull the ultimate maneuver: aggressively pointing at your earbuds with a painfully awkward shrug to signal that you are deaf to the world. But let's be honest, it never works. They completely ignore your desperate, universal signs of "please leave me alone" and just keep right on talking anyway.

One person wants a donation. Another wants a signature. A third wants to save you money on something you never planned to buy in the first place.

Cue the awkward shuffle.

"No, thank you."
"I'm good, thanks."
"Not today!"

You paste on a tight smile, pick up your pace, and avoid eye contact at all costs. It’s basically speed dating for things I don’t want. The worst part is, they hit you going in, and they hit you coming out.

Look, I get it. People are trying to raise money, but honestly? If I wanted what they were selling, I’d go looking for it.

I miss the days when the hardest part of shopping was figuring out which aisle they moved the dog food to. Now, I need the reflexes of a ninja and the emotional detachment of a hostage negotiator just to breach the front doors. Stop it!

If these stores really want to improve my shopping experience, they can start by letting me get from my car to the toilet paper isle without a work out!