If you’re lying in bed at night wondering how you ended up in a marriage you no longer want to be in—but you have no idea how you could ever afford to leave—this is for you.
Maybe you haven’t worked in years. Maybe you gave up a career to raise your children. Maybe every paycheck, bank account, and bill has his name on it. You never planned to become financially dependent. You were building a marriage and raising a family.
Until one day, everything changed.
Maybe he cheats. Maybe he becomes controlling. Maybe he treats you like crap. Maybe you simply realize you don’t want to live this way anymore.
But there’s one BIG problem.
You can’t afford to leave.
No paycheck. No savings. You have kids depending on you, a rent or mortgage payment, utilities, insurance, groceries, and all the other expenses that come with running a household.
So now what?
Sometimes you have to PLAY IT COOL.
People love to say, “Just leave!”
Okay. And go WHERE?
With what money?
How are you paying the electric bill next month?
Leaving may take time and planning. There is nothing wrong with quietly getting your ducks in a row before making your move.
And if the money is there, don’t automatically assume YOU and the kids have to walk away with nothing. Tell him you expect him to help pay for a place for you and the kids and give you a few months to get financially established. Or maybe HE needs to be the one who leaves the family home. Find out what your rights are before giving up your home, money, or property. If you have the legal right to remain there, secure the house and change passwords and passcodes you are entitled to change.
Then start building your independence.
Get a temporary job if you need to. Work evenings or weekends. Babysit. Clean houses. Sell something you make. Find something you can do from home. Go back to school. Finish that degree you put on hold. Get a certification or learn a skill that can turn into a career.
Then sit down and figure out the NUMBERS.
What will it actually cost for you and your children to live each month? Housing. Utilities. Food. Transportation. Insurance. Childcare. Phone. Medications. Minimum debt payments. Write it ALL down.
Next, figure out what money you’ll have coming in and how much you need to make up the difference. That gives you a real savings goal instead of just saying, “I need to save some money.”
Start building an emergency fund. Even if you can only put away $20 or $50 at a time, START.
Know what you have as a couple, too. Bank and retirement accounts, credit cards, loans, the mortgage, vehicles, insurance policies, property, and other major assets or debts. Gather copies of important financial and personal documents and keep them somewhere you can safely access them.
Check your credit and know what is in your own name. If you don’t already have access to money of your own, start thinking about how you will manage your finances independently when the time comes.
Now you have something more valuable than “I need to get out.”
You have a number. You have a goal. You have a plan.
Maybe it takes three months. Maybe it takes six. That’s okay.
HAVE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.
And if you’re a stay-at-home mom and everything is wonderful right now, have a Plan B anyway. Keep your skills current, have some money of your own, or build a nest egg over the years so that if life ever changes, you aren’t starting with $14 in your purse and nowhere to go.
I’m not saying never trust your husband. You can love someone completely and STILL be smart enough to protect yourself.
People change. Marriages change. People get sick, die, or lose jobs. And sometimes the person you thought you would spend forever with turns out to be someone you need to get away from.
Sometimes protecting yourself doesn’t mean dramatically packing a suitcase tonight and storming out the door.
Sometimes it means smiling, going to work tomorrow, putting another $100 in your escape fund, and continuing to build your way out.
There is no shame in taking your time if taking your time allows you to leave prepared instead of desperate.
Just don’t get comfortable and forget why you started.
Make the plan.
Save the money.
Stick to the plan.
And when the time comes, you won’t be asking yourself, “How am I going to survive without him?”
You’ll already know.
A NOTE ABOUT ABUSE: If you or your children are being abused, threatened, stalked, or you believe you may be in danger, this advice changes. Your safety comes FIRST. Don’t confront someone or announce that you’re leaving if doing so could put you in more danger. Reach out to someone you trust, a domestic-violence organization, law enforcement when appropriate, or another safe resource and make a safety plan for leaving. If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services.
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