That’s Between The Monster And The Blanket.

The Blanket Is a Protective Shield. I Don’t Make the Rules.

Every October, I try to watch one scary movie per day. Now, there are rules to this. I like scary movies. I like Jeepers Creepers. Give me something lurking in the woods, a serial killer, a creature, a creepy mystery, somebody being chased through a house—I’m in.

But I have limits.

I don’t need demons possessing anyone. I don’t need two hours of people being dismembered. And most importantly, I do not need a movie introducing me to a brand-new fear that I will carry around for the rest of my life.

Because apparently, I’m susceptible.

I watched Mama.

Big mistake.

There are scenes in that movie involving the ceiling that my brain has apparently archived under IMPORTANT SURVIVAL INFORMATION. To this day, I look at the ceiling when entering or leaving a dark room. Why? I don’t know. Do I actually believe Mama is up there? No. Do I still check? Absolutely.

Then I watched The Descent. When that movie ended, I had to watch the bloopers. I needed to see those creatures laughing dancing with a top hat and cane. I needed to see cameras. Makeup people. Craft services. Somebody named Steve drinking a Diet Coke. I needed PROOF that everyone involved went home afterward.

And caves? No thank you. People say, “Wouldn’t it be fun to explore a cave?” No. I’ll stay right here where I can see and get to the car in record speed!

There is, however, one safety system I have in place when I get a little skittish: THE BLANKET.

I am 61 years old and I will still hop into bed because there is a very small part of my brain that understands something the rest of you have apparently forgotten: Monsters could live under beds.

You don’t casually stand beside a bed with your ankles exposed. Are you insane? have you seen Wax Museum? Instead you approach. You calculate the distance. And then…HOP. Once you’re safely on the mattress, you immediately activate the blanket. And everybody knows how this works. Monster under the bed? Covers up. Access denied. Creepy noise in the hallway? Covers up. Security system activated. Something moves in the corner? I didn’t see it. I am under the blanket.And God forbid a foot slips out.

🚨 SHIELD COMPROMISED. 🚨

That foot gets sucked back under those covers so fast you’d think something actually grabbed it. It can be 95 degrees outside. I don’t care. People say, “Aren’t you hot?” That’s not the point. This isn’t bedding. It’s security equipment. And don’t come at me with logic.

Yes, I understand that if an eight-foot supernatural creature can enter my home, crawl across my ceiling and drag a grown adult into another dimension, my $49 comforter from HomeGoods probably isn’t going to stop it. But that’s between the monster and the blanket. I don’t make the rules.

All I know is that for my entire life, nothing has ever gotten me while I’ve been completely covered. 100% success rate. You can’t argue with statistics.

So this October, I’ll once again watch scary movies. I’ll scream. I’ll jump. I’ll tell the idiot on the television NOT TO GO IN THERE while they go in there anyway. And afterward I’ll walk through my dark house pretending I’m not slightly concerned.I’ll check the ceiling—thanks, Mama. I’ll avoid caves—thanks, The Descent. I’ll take three quick steps toward the bed… HOP. Covers up. Protective shield… ACTIVATED.

And I’ll live another day for another scary movie. 😂🎃

Ya'll think I'm crazy huh?  But I bet you have a blanket yourself!