Omg did I just delete my blog!!!!!!!

Christmas blues... My boy needs to move home

I miss my boy every day but holidays are harder,  I miss how he would sit by the tree for hours trying to figure what that ONE present was, asking me question after question.  When he was 15 I bought him his first guitar but didn't put it under the tree.  I knew if I wrapped it he would manhandle it like all the other presents that were his under the tree.  He spent HOURS driving me nuts trying to figure out not only where I hid it but what it is that I HAD to hide it.  He would ask:  "Is it bigger than a bread box?  Can I take it places?  Will it fit in a toaster!?  Can I put it in my pocket?"   I told him you can take it on the roof if you want!  He was stumped! But so excited to see what I got him,  He has always loved to get gifts and no matter what they were , he thanked you for them and appreciated them.   I  haven't got to see him open gifts for the last two years, nor do I get the build up before hand with the 20 question games!   I also miss how he hung around the kitchen for hours as I prepared the meal.  and telling him the olives and the eggs where for DINNER!  And believe it or not, I really miss him aggravating his siblings.  I hope this is the last Christmas I have to be away from him.

Now what?

How can something so insignifantly small be the last straw in a hay stack full of straws?  I don't hear a climax of music or feel a triumph of victory.  There isn't even a "ah huh!" Moment.  There is just realization that this is not my path.  And I want more.