She’s Still Little
It happens almost overnight. One day, she is your only baby,
the center of your universe. Then, a sibling arrives. Suddenly, in the chaos of
newborn cries and toddler tantrums, your firstborn seems to grow five years
older in a single week.
She is the one who knows where the diapers are. She is the
one who can put on her own shoes while you wrestle a onesie onto the baby. She
is articulate, capable, and eager to please. Because she is the oldest, she
naturally steps into a role that feels part leader, part assistant.
But sometimes, amidst the praise for being "such a big
helper" and "so grown up," we miss something crucial. We look at
her and see the big sister. We forget that, in the grand scheme of things, she
is still little, too.
The Illusion of Competence
The trap of the firstborn is their competence. Because she
is smart, because she understands logic, and because she can verbally express
her frustration, we often expect her to have the emotional regulation of an
adult. When she melts down over a cut sandwich or a lost toy, it feels jarring.
We find ourselves thinking, You know better than this.
But does she?
She might be the oldest, but she is experiencing the world
for the very first time. Every heartbreak, every frustration, and every joy is
a debut moment for her. She is learning about herself and the world around her
in real-time. Just because she stands taller than her siblings doesn't mean her
shoulders are broad enough to carry adult expectations.
No Do-Overs
Childhood is a singular event. It is a live performance with
no rehearsals and no rewind button. She doesn’t get a do-over. She doesn’t get
to pause her growth while we tend to the younger ones.
This is her specific, designated time to become who she will
become. It is the season for her to entertain her whimsical thoughts, to
explore her fleeting interests, and to play without purpose. If we fill her
time with responsibilities or expectations of maturity that exceed her years,
we rob her of that exploration.
She has the rest of her life to be a responsible, organized,
helpful adult. She only has right now to be a child.
Making Memories, Not Just Milestones
There is a bittersweet reality to parenting the oldest: she
is the trailblazer. We learn how to parent through her. But while we are busy
learning the ropes, she is busy building the foundation of her memories.
Ten years from now, she won't remember how helpful she was
with the baby's bottle. She will remember how she felt. She will remember if
she felt seen, if she felt safe to make mistakes, and if she felt free to be
silly.
It won’t last long. The cliche is true: the days are long,
but the years are short. Soon, the gap between her age and adulthood will close
completely. But right now, that gap is wide. It is a space meant for scraped
knees, messy art projects, and cuddling on the couch.
Let Her Be Little
Take a moment today to really look at her. Look past the
helpfulness. Look past the vocabulary and the height. See her for what she is:
a child who needs you just as much as the baby does, only in a different way.
Forgive the tantrums; she is still learning how to handle
big feelings. Lower the expectations; she is not a third parent.